Sweeney Todd REALY screwed up
by Nellie-flipping-Lovett
Summary: I got bored and decided to write this master-piece! It's my first fic so revew, but don't kill me! Please? anyways, just my idea of sweeney todd. God I love that movie!
1. Chapter 1

Sweeney Todd screwed up

Anthony: Look! A pretty dolphin! And another! And another! There all

Coming to see me! I feel so loved!

Sweeney: Shut up! There are no dolphins you delusional psycho!!! 

Anthony: But… But… I like the pretty dolphins!

Sweeney: THEY DON'T EXSIST!!!

Anthony: Can we sing a song now daddy? Please? Please?

Sweeney: Um… I'm 99.9% percent sure that I'm not you're 'Daddy'

Or whatever you just called me… and no we can't sing! Are you sure your

Not on some sort of drug?

Anthony: Nope! *Hums tunelessly*

Sweeney: When are we going to arrive in the crap-hole…I mean London…

Anthony: Very soon *evil laughter*

Sweeney: Good god Anthony! You know those dolphins you were prattling

About?

Anthony: Yes! Of course Mr. Todd! Why would I think of anything else but

pretty dolphins?

Sweeney: Well, anyways those are actually sharks… don't ask me how 

That happened…

Anthony: Well… I really like crack… do you Mr. Todd?

Sweeney: Um… NO! *jumps over-board, avoids sharks, and arrives at shore*

Sweeney: Should a done that a long time ago!!!

*Anthony mysteriously appears behind him*

Sweeney: HOLY CRAP how did you get back there?!?

Anthony: Well, the pretty dolphins turned out to be MAGICAL pretty dolphins!!!Sweeney: um… well lets hope we NEVER met again…EVER!

Anthony: I'm gunna stalk you!

Sweeney: what th-

Anthony: Well, goodbye! I will see you again very soon! *evil laughter*


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok!!! I guess ppls actually liked it! So um.. Yah!! Here it is! Enjoy loves, **

**P.S I swear! it's longer! Don't keeel me!**

Sweeney: well…that was creepy…. Um okie dokie! I'm gunna go randomly super fast and randomly end up in a random place!!! Weeeeee!

*enters pie shop*

Lovett: OMG's!!!! A customer! And he's like flippen hot!!!

*swoon*

*Lovett forces poor Sweeney into chair and starts singing*

Sweeney: *interrupting singing* Why does everyone in this whole flipping town love singing SO MUCH!!!

Lovett: Well, we 'an't actually 'elp it! It's an 'erible 'erible

'isease it 'as been attacking Londo since, I dunno… judge 'urpin was 'orn!

Sweeney: wow… like the dawn of time or something!

Lovett: Yes, basically.

Sweeney: Wow… sorry about that… better learn to sing…

Lovett: So wots 'our name?

Sweeney: Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street!

Lovett: Wow, 'ou 'ot 'our own 'itle and every thing! Um….I guess I'm Nellie Todd! Um! Oh! Lovett!!! Nellie Lovett: the Demon Baker of Fleet Street!

Sweeney: um… ok….sure, now tell me what happened up there, anyone own that place?

Lovett: *Starts singing* There was a barber and his wife, and he was realy hhhoooottt!! He had really cool hair, but they sent him to the kangaroos! And he was really hot!!!

Lovett: His name was Benjamin Barker! *sigh*

Sweeney: What he do?

Lovett: He was just really stupid!

Sweeney: *grunt*

Lovett: *continues singing* He had this wife you see, I never stood a chance, not with hair like that, he would never divorce her! Poor me! Poor me! There was this pervert you see, wanted her like mad, everyday he sent her a flower, but did she refrain from being emo? Sat up there and sulked for hours, poor emo! Ah but there was yet to come, poor thing! That guy with weird hair woke her up at night, poor thing, poor thing, he says the judge was dieing of the singing illness, you must come straight to his house tonight, poor thing, poor thing! Of course when she goes there, poor thing, poor thing, there 'aving this ball all in masks, there's no one she knows there, poor dear, poor thing, she wanders around and gets drunk, poor thing, the judge has repented she thinks, poor soul, poor thing, he was there all right only not so contrite!

Sweeney: *scream of manliness*

Lovett: Ever thought about therapy Mr. Barker?

Sweeney: Wow! You know who I am? I mean… um whose

That?

Lovett: sure… Beni-cakes! Why are you pretending to be skunk head?

Sweeney: Ok, you caught me! But, just think about it, do you think the name 'Benjamin Barker' goes well with the Demon Barber of Fleet Street? Sweeney Todd just screams evil!!! I mean, god you know how humiliating that is!!! Better watch out for Benjamin!!!

Lovett: Um… sure ok… I KEPT YOUR SHINIES!!!

Sweeney: You did! OMG I can't wait to see Bobby again!

Lovett: You named your razors… *edges away slowly*

Sweeney: Of course I did! I mean there like my beasties!

Lovett: Can I be your bestie?

Sweeney: NO! My shinies are my only friends!

Lovett: Well, that's kind of depressing… um I STILL LOVE YOU!!!

Sweeney: What?

Lovett: Notting. *sob*

Sweeney: OMG MA HOMIES!!! I'm back!!!Lovett: Yes. Out of pure love for you, I did not sell them for millions of dollars.

Sweeney: *Not listening* Yeah… sure I LOVE YOU!!!

Lovett: You do?

Sweeney: Shinies, I love you shinies!!! I'm gunna use you to kill people!!!

Lovett: And I'm gunna smell you're hair!!!

Sweeney: You do that…

Lovett: Mmmm… your hair smells like tea!

Sweeney: Is that normal?

Lovett: Nope!

Sweeney: Well, your hair smells like meat pie!

Lovett: Speaking of meat pie, there's this guy who says he can beat you in a shave off!

Sweeney: What does that have to do with meat pie?

Lovett: I dunno, sometimes I just get bored! *Hums tunelessly*

Sweeney: *Cough* ADD *Cough*


	3. Chapter 3

**HI!!! Since I love adding these chapters and reviews make me feel happy, I'm adding two chapters in one day, If you guys keep reviewing I may do this again sometime *seizure caused by exhaustion* **

**P.S It's thanksgiving, so feel bad!!! (But I still got pie!)**

Sweeney: I'm gunna use my magical going super fast to a random place power!

Lovett: Wha-

Both: Weeeeee!

Lovett: You 'erent 'idding….

Sweeney: I'm magical!!!

Lovett: Um… sure you are…

Sweeney: Look! A girl, on a stage!

Lovett: I'm pretty sure that's a boy…

Sweeney: No way!

Toby: Hey bald guy! You wanna look like a girl? *Points to Voldemort*

Voldie: Hell yes!!!! *grabs bottle and disapperates*

Sweeney: Well… that was odd… hey! It smells like pee! And ink! Lots and lots of pee and ink!!!

Toby: I swear it was Pirelli's pee!!! *runs off stage sobbing*

Pirelli: Hey! Who says my magical hair regrower thingy is pee and ink? *cough* it is *cough* I challenge you to a shave-off!!!!

Sweeney: OK!!! *skips onto stage*

Pirelli: Crap, never thought anyone would ever agree to this…

Sweeney: I like to surprise people! *smiles like a kid in a candy store*

Pirelli: Okay… will that freaky pervert with the greasy hair be the judge 

Beatle: Glad as always to serve my friends and neighbors!

*winks at younger girl, girl barfs into random old-lady's purse, old-lady doesn't notice and walks off*

Pirelli: to shave-a da face, to cut-a the hai-

Sweeney: Can every one just shut-up already?!?

Pirelli: We can't stop singing, it's an illness!

Sweeney: Wait… If your from Italy, how come you have the disease if it only attacks London?

*Anthony appears behind him*

Anthony: He must be a liar!!!

Sweeney: WHAT TH-

Anthony: I told you I was gunna stalk you!!!

Sweeney: wow…

Lovett: Hi Anthony, I thought I got a restraining order from you!

Anthony: Well you see Mrs. Lovett, now I'm stalking-

Lovett: BACK BACK 40 feet!!! God! Kids these days!


	4. Chapter 4

**Ello,**

**Sorry I took so long to update! Teachers are cramming in all the homework before break, it's REALY annoying, anyways, review please! PLEASE!!! Enjoy!**

**-Nellie-flipping-Lovett**

Anthony: Well! That was nice! Go ahead! Exclude me, just because I stalk people doesn't mean I don't have feelings! 40 feet! I hate restraining orders!!!!

*Bumps into psycho beggar lady*

Lucy: Can I have all your money?

Anthony: Of course! Now, I hope you buy some illegal drugs with that!

Lucy: Sure kid….

*Anthony see's Joanna*

Anthony: Sweet! A hot girl to stalk!

Joanna: Hey look! Someone under the age of, I dunno, a million!

*glares at Turpin through peep-whole*

Turpin: Cough!

Joanna: I mean, under the age of 500!

Turpin: Cough!Joanna: Fine! Someone under the age of 20, I am attracted to him/her!Anthony: Ok, how did that one song go… um… oh yah! I'll steal you, um, *to Joanna* What's your name?

Joanna: Ok, I should definantly not be able to hear that through the window, but, you know, what are you gunna do, *To Anthony*

It's Joanna!!!!

Anthony: Ok, I'll STTTTEEEEAAALLLL you JOOOAAAANNNAAA!!!!

Turpin: Oh no! Competition!

Beedle: Well, you are like 500 so, I don't realy think you stand a-

Turpin: Can everybody just shut-up about how old I am for like, 5 seconds!

Beedle: Yes my lord, *sobs silently*

Turpin: *runs outside* HI! Want to have some tea and cookies and talk about my really hot adopted daughter!

Anthony: YES! Sweet!!! Cookies!!!*Anthony runs inside squealing like a little girl*

Turpin: *to Beedle* GRAB SOME COOKIES!!!!

Beedle: Yes my lord *continues sobbing silently*

Anthony: You have a REALLY hot daughter!

Turpin: She's not mine, I adopted her after I illegally arrested her father for doing absolutely nothing!

Anthony: Um… ok…

Turpin: Wanna see my unusually large collection of porn!

Anthony: Am I in the right place…

Turpin: Sure you are!

Anthony: Tootles…

Turpin: You can't leave until my servant beats you up with his pimp cane!

Beedle: Yes, my lord.

*Beeldle beats him up while muttering about how Turpin will never give him the loving he deserves*

Anthony: Thanks a lot, now my peaches&cream lip gloss is covered with blood from my mouth and the new shade does totally, like, not match my pale face! *sobs uncontrollably*

Joanna: Aw, poor boy who cares about his lip gloss! I'll throw a key at him to show him how much I care!*Throw key, and whacks Anthony in the head with it*

Anthony: Now, even the hot girls hate me! I feel so alone! Wait! A key! That means she wants to run away with me, get married, and live in France!

Joanna: NO!!! GIVE THE KEY BACK!!!! I'M NOT GOING TO FLIPPING FRANCE!!!!!

* Anthony skips of and hears nothing*


	5. Chapter 5

**HI!!! I had a very fabulous Christmas. This year 'Santa' got me a flipping sweet Mrs. Lovett dress! I wore It to the mall with my hair all up 'n stuff, some people nodded, some unknowing grandma commented on how pretty I looked, and some dumb blondie laughed at me, I was about to like, flip her off or something, but my mum dragged me off to another store. Sorry I haven't updated in a while, but I'm working on a few other stories. Thanks for the review 'Amy', I'm probably the only one who got it, but if your little sister watched the Drake and Josh, Christmas special, (or you did and your just using your 8 year old sister to cover up your interesting obsession with Drake…) **

Lovett: Hi!!!! Oh Mr. T! How I love you! Someday were going to get married, move to the sea, and have millions of adorable babies together! We'll have one named Bob, another named Billy-

Sweeney: Shut up!!! I want to kill people!!!!! The creepy pervert dude said he'd come here when the week was over!!!!!!!

Lovett: But, it's only like, Tuesday…

Sweeney: It's Friday if my razors say it's Friday!

Lovett: Ok… god… take a chill pill! Now well you totally ignore me, I'm going to sing a song in which I over emphasize each of the last letters in each word, *singing* Easyyy nowww hushshshsh loveee hushshshhsh!!!!

Sweeney: What are you trying to prove?

Lovett: My love to you! *sob*

Sweeney: Hey!!! Lookie! It's that piss guy and his little girl!

Lovett: I am almost positive that is a boy.

Sweeney: distract her!!!

Lovett: *sigh* Fine!

*Lovett meets Pirelli and his little 'girl' at the bottom of the stairs*

Lovett: Awww, isn't that um… thing… adorable!

Toby: I know right!

Pirelli: sure you are.

Lovett: Does the adorable… thing… want a meat pie?

Toby: I'll eat anything if it means I'll get to hang out with you! *to Pirelli* She's smoken!!!

Lovett: Um… ok…

Pirelli: I'll a-warn-a you-a, 'ell just get-a hungry-a again-a!Lovett: course 'e will! 'es a human!

Pirelli: Whatever-a you-a say-a.

*Lovett pushes Toby inside, Toby looks like he just won the lottery while he gives thumbs up to Pirelli*

Lovett: So… 'ows life?

Toby: welllll… without a mother figure, I'm lost! *pulls best puppy dog eyes* I need a mommy!

Lovett: Awwwww! That is just the cutest thing! Here's a meat pie.

Toby: *Pukes forever internally* Um…. Yum?

Lovett: Yay!!! You can live here forever!!!

Toby: *grins broadly* Your hot!Lovett: *not listening* That's nice dear.

*up-stairs*

Sweeney: So… why are you here piss man?

Pirelli: My name is Pirelli, and I'm not Italian! *Dun dun duuuunnn*

Sweeny: Cool?

Pirelli: I want all your money!!!

Sweeney: Hmmmm….. What can I do in a situation like this…. Hmmm… ooohh! Ooohh! Oooh! I know! I know! I know!!!! Resorting to violence is the only way!!! *whacks Pirelli in head with tea-pot repeatedly*

Pirelli: Owwwww…. *unconscious*

*down-stairs*

Lovett: So then I was all like, keelll you! And he was all- *hears Pirelli bashing* Craps! *bangs around various pots and pans*

Toby: Will you marry me?

Lovett: No love. *acts like he asks her that every day… which he will*


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys!!! Sorry it's taken me kinda long to update, I just got 'a string of pearls' and it's really good so I haven't had much time to do anything but read. Oookkkkaayyy, that was a really lame excuse…. Yah. So, UPDATE BEGGER, yah, it's fine if you mention my story, what's the name of the web show, I wanna see it.** **(hope it didn't come out yet.) I love you all, reviews are love, I'll update the next chapter soon.**

Sweeney: Yah!!! I killed someone!

Pirelli: I'm not dead…

Sweeney: Shut up! Your dead when I say your dead!

Pirelli: yes ma'am. *shuts up*

*down stairs*

Lovett: so… want another pie?

Toby: *pukes in mouth* What ever makes you happy pet!

Lovett: Only Mr. T can call me that! Besides, how old are you anyways?

Toby: First off, I am twelve, second, age is no obstacle for me! I will love you forever, and third, who is this Mr. T character? Was I not informed of this middle man in our relationship?

Lovett: Give it up, we don't have a relationship, you're flipping twelve!!!

*up stairs*

Sweeney: *places Pirelli in conveniently placed body sized trunk well singing 'walking on sunshine'* I'm walking on sunshine, oh ooh! I'm walking on sunshine, and I'm gunna feel goooood! Do do do dod da do da dod!

Pirelli: Stop singing!!!! It' s keeeling me!

Sweeney: I thought you *points* were already dead!!! *glares*

Pirelli: okkkaaayyy…

Sweeney: FINE! Since YOU won't shut up, and I also have anger management problems, I'm gunna REALLY kill you!

Pirelli: Um… not sure that's a very good idea…

Sweeney: What?! *face falls* I thought it was a fabulous idea! Aw well! *kills Pirelli, Pirelli dramatically gasps and gurgles on his own blood*

Sweeney: That was fun! I should kill people more often! There's something very satisfying about that gurgling sound!

Voice in Sweeney's head: You know, hearing voices and talking to yourself is the first signs of madness.

Sweeney: I'm not talking to myself! I'm talking to Bobby, and Sally! Aren't I!

*the invisible Bobby and Sally nod solemnly*

*Down stairs*

Toby: Oh no! I forgot! Pirelli has an appointment to get his pants painted on! If he's late, he'll make me dress up as a girl and sing show tunes for two hours! Goodbye, my love.

Lovett: *shouts up stairs* I'M NOT YOUR LOVE!!!

*up stairs*

Toby: Hiya! What's your name? *smiles adorably*

Sweeney: Sweeney Todd *glares*

Toby: Oh no! The middle man! Play it cool Toby, play it cool.

Sweeney: You know, the voices in my head told me that talking to yourself is the first sign of madness, is that not right Bobby?

Toby: My names Toby…

Sweeney: I know, but I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Bobby, he's standing in the corner over there, the one in the pinstripes.

Toby: Ummm… ok… where's Pirelli?

Sweeney: I killed him! I mean… crap… um… I'll give you gin if you forget I said that?

Toby: Yah!!! Alcohol!

*runs back down stairs*


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey ppls! I wasn't lying when I said I'd update soon! Seeeee! Anyways, MrsEdgarAllenPoe, I am on chapter 20, Sweeney Todd's Proceedings Consequent upon the Departure of Tobias. It's an awesome book, it's flipping sweet. I love you all and will update again in two days. **

*Toby runs downstairs after being offered an alcoholic drink*

Toby: Hey! The middle man offered me gin, so were all good as long as you go out with me!

Lovett: Ohhhh godddd

Toby: Soooo… apparently I'm gunna live here now! So, you better stalk up on gin! *smiles broadly*

Lovett: Um… ok… here… *hands Toby bottle of gin about four ft. tall*

Toby: WooHoo!!! *chugs in one sip* More please!

Lovett: Holy crap… I'm gunna go check on the 'middle man' or whatever you call him.

Toby: We shall meet again soon my love!

Lovett: *shouts downstairs* SHUT UP!!!!!!

*Lovett enters while our dear Sweeney is having an argument with Bobby and Sally*

Sweeney: NO WAY!!! TEAM EDWARD FOREVER! JACOB IS LLLLAAAMMMMEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Invisible Bobby and Sally: But Edward left Bella, he doesn't really care about her *Bobby and Sally nod solemnly*

Lovett: Interrupting something?

Sweeney: Noooo, Bobby and Sally think Jacob *glares at invisible Bobby and Sally* Is better than Edward!

Lovett: Weeellll… he sorta iiissss…

Sweeney: No one understands me! *sob* You know what?

Lovett: What?

Sweeney: Because I'm emo and no one understands my insane obsession with Edward Cullen, I'm going to kill everyone! *smiles adorably*

Lovett: Oookkkkaaayyyy… isn't that a little extreme?

Sweeney: You love me don't you?

Lovett: I do *gasp* I do *gasp* I do!!! *hyper ventilation ensues*

Sweeney: Just cause I can, I'm going into my own little word in which I point at people with my razor and growl a lot!

Lovett: *watches Sweeney dance around and point at inanimate objects and her with his razor*

Sweeney: You sir, to sir, Welcome to the grave!

Lovett: I'm a girl…

*nine blonde Johnny Depp fan girls with pigtails, visors that say 'Sweeney Todd is hot' ,and wearing bright pink school girl jumpers crawl out of that giant cracked mirror just to watch him growl, four pass out*

Lovett: OMG!!! Dead fan girls! What do we do, what do we do?

Sweeney: *ends song* I'll perform CPR on them!

*fan girls squeal even in there unconscious state*

Lovett: I think that would only make it worse, love.

*fan girls groan and crawl back into the hole they trudged out of*

Fan girl 1: Thanks a lot Mrs. L!

Lovett: No problem. *scowls*


	8. Chapter 8

**OMG! I am sooooo soooooo sorry! I said I would update the next day, but I flipping waited 3 weeks! I am extremely sorry! I just didn't know the break was that short, and I was just so busy! I started singing lessons so I can try out for… MRS. LOVETT!!! I am so excited! For my**

**Audition I am singing 'Oom pah-pah' from Oliver, and I don't know what monologue I'm doing yet!!! *squee* anyways… enjoy!**

Lovett: Ok, so…

Sweeney: What?

Lovett: Well, I was just thinking…

Sweeney: TELLL MEEEEE!!!!!

Lovett: Ok, well, wot are we gunna do with that dead body?

Sweeney: I dunno… we could bury it…

Lovett: But that's not a very interesting plot-deviece!

Sweeney: What are you talking about! That's a very interesting plot deveice! We get a shovel, we go out in the dead of night, and you bury it while I read People magazine! It's a fantabules plan!

Lovett: Wot you say about People?

Sweeney: You know, that magazine that makes up stories for it's own benefit.

Lovett: Oooohhh, that one, but, that's not exciting! We need something that will make the quesy people in the audience vomit, the people next to them vomit because of the smell, wich will create an on-going cycle of puke!!!

Sweeney: Oh, that kind of plan… we could chop him into little pieces and bury him!

Lovett: That's not good enough!!!!

Sweeney: I DON'T KNOW!!!!

Lovett: Oh! I got a goooood one!

Sweeney: What is it! What is it!

Lovett: My meat pies, don't realy have meat in them…

Sweeney: Than whats in them?

Lovett: *eyes flicker mysteriously* That's not the point! Wot do we 'ave that we could put in them?

Sweeney: Toby?

Lovett: NO! dead people+pies=yummy!

Sweeney: Huh?

Lovett: *face palm* p-e-o-p-l-e p-I-e-s!

Sweeney: dumb it down a shade

Lovett: WE BAKE PIRELLI *points up-stairs* INTO MY PIES *motions twords counter*

Sweeney: Oh! So we bury him with a speedo on!

Lovett: Where did that even- ok, yah know wot?

Sweeney: What?

Lovett: I'll just pretend you didn't say that!Sweeney: Say what?

Lovett: Exactly!

Sweeney: What are we talking about again?

Lovett: Oh my god! I'll just show you!!! *physicly bakes Pirelli into pie*

Sweeney: Oh… that's what you mean… I'll just… um… let you… do that…

Lovett: Yep, I'll just do that.

Sweeney: So, I still get to kill people!Lovett: Uh-huh, you still get to kill people… if you enjoy that…

Sweeney: Yeppers! It's fun!

Lovett: That's nice dear.

Toby: *runs into kitchen* Hey babe, middle-man *nods at Sweeney and Lovett*

Lovett: 'ello love, you want a meat pie?

Toby: *shudder* Sure… *smiles nervously*

Lovett: *hands Toby Pirelli pie*

Toby: *takes bite* Hey, this is pretty good!Sweeney, Lovett: *nervous glances*

Sweeney: Yep… hot out of the oven…

Toby: Yea…

*akward silence ensues*

Toby: *to Lovett* Well honey, I've been thinking, maybe you and me should get married.

Lovett: Toby, how many times have we gone over this? YOUR TWELVE!!!

Toby: *runing up-stairs* I'LL NEVER GIVE UP!!!

Lovett: *to Sweeney* Wow… that was just…

Sweeney: aaak-waaaard!

Lovett: Nice…


	9. if you want Mrs Lovett hair

Hey guys, sorry this isn't an actual chapter, but I have a secret I must share with all interested. I have discovered the secret of Mrs. Lovett hair!!! I will not write it here, but it is on my profile under my bio.

Love,

-Nellie-flipping-Lovett

P.S If you want your Mrs. L hair to last longer, don't use multiple bobby pins, use little clips (you know those ones that look like claws) and pin them under, and behind your pigtail.


	10. Chapter 10

**Ello! I'm backs!!! Did the hair tips work? I hope they do… cause that would be bad if id didn't!!! Well, it worked on my hair. Anyways… Holymaster7, maybe I will sell it! E-bay is calling! I won't update again till like next weekend or something, I'm going out of town, were theres NO COMPUTERS!!! Dun dun duuunnn! Actually, I'm going to visit Holymaster7, yea, that's right, we know each other buuurrrrnnn… ok… so now that we've established that … ENJOY!!!!**Now, we visit Anthony…

Anthony: *walking through alley way* Aw crapsicles! I forgot where that hot chick lives!!!

Psycho beggar lady: I know where she lives! Cause I'm her mother and all…

Anthony: What? Sorry, I'm a little high! *smiles broadly*

Psycho beggar lady: is that healthy?

Anthony: No, of course it's not! *'above the influence' logo pops up on screen*

Psycho beggar lady: Um… good for you…

Anthony: Now, where does that chick live?

Psycho beggar lady: I don't know if I should tell you…

Anthony: I'll pay you!

Psycho beggar lady: alright!!! She lives on *desperate teenage boys in the audience lean in* ocuodfwceocbho9w

Official sounding voice: For Johanna Barker and all at said residents protection, we have bleeped this out of our performance 

Desperate teenagers: *groans*

Anthony: YAY!!! 

Angry neighbor: IT'S 10:00 AT NIGHT!!!! SHUT UP!!! *Hauls big bag of trash at Anthony*

Anthony: *spits out banana peel* SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Anthony slowly makes his way to Johanna's house*

Anthony: I FEEEEEEELLLL YOU JOHHHHAAAANNNNAAAAA!!!!!!

AND ONE DAY I'LL SSSSSSTTTTTEEEEEELLLLLL YOU!!!!

*sirens are heard by our favorite stalker, and a police car magically pops out of thin air*

Anthony: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!! The FBI!!! They found meeeee!!!

*police cuff Anthony and shove him into car*

Police: You are under arrest for *dun dun duuuunnnn* STALKING!!!!!

Anthony: How did you know! *shocked looks ensue*

Police: Well, it's not hard to tell you're a stalker, you sing about stalking, you carry food around with 'I stalk people!' written on it with frosting, it's not really hard to tell…

Anthony: Where did you find my cupcakes!!!

Police: *slits bag open, cupcakes and rocks fall out* 

Anthony: *gasp!*

Police: Muhuhuhuhahaha!!!

Anthony: Omygod!!! A SQUIRREL!!!!! 

Police: *looks other way*

Anthony: *magically escapes hand-cuffs and ends up at Johanna's door*

Johanna: *from window* OMG!!!!!! It's my friendly stalker! I love you!!!

Anthony: YAH! *to desperate teenagers* Remember, I used to be just like you, but since I became a stalker, EVERYONE LOVES ME!!!!!!

Teenage boys: *high-five each other*

Johanna and Anthony: *smile and thumbs up*

*back to Sweeney and his fantabules barber shop*

Sweeney: Hi! My names Sweeney, and I'm happy to assist you! *smile*

Random dude: Um… ok…

Sweeney: *singing* I bet my daughter is hoooootttttt just like her moooooooommmmmmm

Random dude: um…

Sweeney: Edward or Jacob?

Random dude: Jacob, duh!

Sweeney: Then you shall DIEEEE!!!!! *slits throat*

Bobby and Sally: Is this really necessary?

Sweeney: Of course!

Random dude 2: Hi…

Sweeney: HIIIII!!!!! *plops guy into barber chair* Now, lets get this over with, Edward or Jacob?

Random dude 2: What do you think, Jacob!

Sweeney: *slits poor, poor Jacob fans throat*

**Ok, so that's all till next weekend, sorry that part with Anthony wasn't actually in the movie, but, I feel it had to be incorperated in some way.**

**I love you all!!!**

**-Nellie-flipping-Lovett**


	11. Chapter 11

**Okie-dokie ppls!!! Here is my next chapter!!! Yay! Anyways, beloved fans, please, please, please vote on my poll I put up! I needs to knows! **

**Holymaste7: Yes, I stayed at Luna's house, we were going to like, randomly show up at your house and freak you out, but the FBI was chasing you, but, your not alone, there after me to! Lol**

**Idiotwhocantthinkofapenname: Thxs for the reviews! I love your pen-name! **

**SparklesRockMyWorld: Yea, Anthony's high a lot… nobody really knows how Johanna feels abot this…**

**Nala162024: Wow, I guess I can read ppls minds!!! *dun dun duuun***

**Hmmm, maybe I will make a whole chapter about Bobby and Sally next time…**

**And the story shall begin!**

Lovett: *to Toby* See, with all the money we get from the peop- I mean pies, I bought this awesome dress of awesomeness, you like it?

Toby: Yea, I can see your boobs bette- I mean yea, It's really… um… sparkly?

Lovett: Thanks, I think…Toby: Lookie lookie, customers!

Lovett: Sveetness! Toby! Give the people the people!

Toby: What?

Lovett: The pies! Give them the pies!

Toby: Kay babe

Lovett: *sigh* It's never gunna happen!

Toby: I can still dream can't I! *serves dead people to people*

Unintentional cannibal 1: I want more stuffs!

Lovett: Wait! Calm yourselves! This isn't MacDonald's, we don't have an everlasting supply of crap for whoever has 1$ ready!Toby: What?

Lovett: It's called the future, love

Toby: *confused look* Sure it is…

Lovett: *to everybody* Sorry, we are now out of pies, but isn't this weird looking bird pretty! In case anyone noticed I not only make pies but I also decorate! I'll do birthdays, anniversaries-

Toby: WE NEED MORE PIE! *whispers* They have pitchforks!

Lovett: Excuse me Toby, but you just interrupted my commercial!

Toby: Sorry…

Lovett: *looks up* Lo-uve!!! We need more pie!

Sweeney: *groans* Right pet! *pained smile* I don't even get paid… *grumble* But, at least I'm stunting the everlasting reign of Jacob-ism *shudder*

Lovett: HURRY UP! *to customers* Anyone need a shave? Half off if you just had a meat pie!

All male unintentional cannibals: Sweet!!!

Lovett: Hey! More pies in five minutes!

Sweeney: I hit the jack-pot!Lovett: *to Sweeney* All thanks to me!

Sweeney: Yea sure…

Lovett: Yea sure what?

Sweeney: *sigh* Yea sure… *grimace* love?

Lovett: Thank you!

*inside shop*

Sweeney: Edward or Jacob?

Dude 1: Jacob!

Sweeney: *kills dude*

*killing continues in till dude and his cute little girl walk in*

Little girl: Hiya mister! *smiles hugely* I'm just here to make sure you don't kill him or some'tin

Dude: Awww! Isn't that cute!

Sweeney: Edward or Jacob?

Dude: Well, me and my little girl are the biggest Jacob fans you will ever meet!

Little girl: Yep!Sweeney: *muttering* Demon spawn!!!

Little girl: What was that?

Sweeney: I said, um, almond wand… yep…

Little girl: And what does that mean?

Sweeney: I don't know! You tell me!!!!

Dude and girl: *get up*

Dude: Thanks for the shave fellow Jacob fan!Sweeney: Die!

Dude: What?

Sweeney: Pick up some _pie _on the way out! I said _pie_! What else would I say!!! *sweat*

Dude: Um… ok…

Sweeney: *grimace*


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey guys!!! I'm REALLY happy because it's time for my all-time favorite part in the movie…. BY THE SEA!!! Yah! I love that part because it's like adorable, and Sweeney is hilarious! Anyways, I'm sad too because a new up-date came up on the Sweeney Todd play site, it costs 400$ so my mum says I can't try out!!! ****L**** sadness!!! Aw well, it will happen one day…**

**One day very soon! Muhuhuhuhahaha!!!!**

**Ok, I'm doing this a bit differently, I'm doing the 'By the Sea' lyrics, and just adding Sweeney's thoughts.**

*at a very happy picnic*

Lovett: Sweet! We have cake, and cup-cakes, and fruit pie!

Toby: What about the meat pie?

Lovett: What was that dear?

Toby: MEAT PIE!!! WERES THE MEAT PIE?!?!

Lovett: *fingers in ears* Lalala! I can't hear you!!!

Sweeney: *groan* Toby, theres no meat pie because, um, because I, um, am allergic to them! Yes, if I eat them, I die!

Toby: *to himself* Yes, Toby, this is it, you can take down the middle man in a single swipe! Then it's just you, and Nellie!Lovett: *ignoring the rest of what he said* Call me Mrs. Lovett!!!Toby: Umm, I think I'll just go play with Bobby and Sally…

Sweeney: So you can see them now to!

Toby: Sure I can…

Lovett: *confused* That's, um, interesting… anyways, we have lots of money! We could do anything!Sweeney: Anything?

Lovett: Yes, anything!

Sweeney: Anything?

Lovett: Yes, anything Sweeney, dear.

Sweeney: Any-

Lovett: I'M PREGNANT!

Sweeney: WHAT! Really!?!?!

Lovett: No, just wanted to get your attention…

Sweeney: Oooookkkkk…

Lovett: Oh Mr. Todd,*kiss* I'm so happy*kiss*, I could *kiss*, eat you up I really could!

Sweeney: Well, that's just… um… really disturbing… the kisses! THEY BUUUUUURRRRRNNNNN!!!!

Lovett: You know what I'd like to do Mr. Todd, *kiss* wot I dream *kiss*

Sweeney: I really don't want to know what you dream about, but I do have a pretty good idea…

Lovett: If the business stays this good, were I'd really like to goooo

Sweeney: Ohhhh godddd

Lovett: In a year or so

Sweeney: Well, I don't know if you'll live that long… *evil laughter*

Lovett: Don't you wanna know?

Sweeney: NO!Lovett: Do you really wanna know?

Sweeney: Can't you hear!!! I said N-O!!!

*scene changes*

Sweeney: WTF!!!Lovett: By the sea Mr. Todd, that the life I covet, by the sea Mr. Todd, Oh I know you'll Lovett! **(haha punny!)**

Sweeney: NO! I SAID NO! I'm gunna sue you! I'm gunna sue you for all you got!!!

Lovett: You and me Mr. T we could be alone,

Sweeney: NOOOOOOO

Lovett: In a house wot we'd almost own, down by the sea, wouldn't that be smashing?

Sweeney: What is wrong with you? *sob* Why can't you just leave me alone? *sob*

*scene changes, on a porch sitting on lawn-chairs*

Lovett: Think how snug it'll be underneath our flannel, when it's just you and me, and the English Channel!Sweeney: Again with the alone thing, no. That's all I have to say. Just no.

*scene changes, in dining room with other people*

Lovett: In our cozy retreat kept all neat and tidy, we'll have chums over every Friday!Sweeney: BLAH!!! OTHER HUMAN BEINGS!!!! I refuse to chat!

*Lovett walks in with pink dress on and pastries*

Sweeney: Pink, defiantly not your colour, it might look better on Anthony… hmmm, I'll ask him about it…

*Scene changes, once again. Now on bridge wearing weird clothes*

Lovett: By the sea, don'tcha love the weather? By the sea, we'll grow old together, by the sea side, oh-oh! By the beautiful sea!

Sweeney: Hey, that red dress makes you look kinda hot… NO STOP IT SWEENEY! We all now you look good in white, and that Mrs. Lovett looks, um, slightly attractive in red, but, you NEED to shut-up!*Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney stop on side of bridge*

Lovett: It'll be so quiet, that who'll come by it, except a seagull, ho-hum, we shouldn't try-it intill it'd leagul for two-hoo!

Sweeney: AHHHHH SAVE MEEEEE!!!! I already live with you woman! Is that enough!!! But no! You always want more, do you!!! More! Will this never end? *sob* I don't wanna have sex with you!!! *sob*

*scene changes, at wedding*

Sweeney: NOOOOO!!! I don't wanna marry you either!!! Do you not get that? DO YOU!!!!

Lovett: *smile* But a sea-side wedding could be devised, me rumpled bedding legitimized!

Sweeney: Again with the sex thing!Lovett: Me eyelids'll flutter, I'll turn into butter, the moment I mutter I

do-hoo!

Sweeney: What! NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!

Priest: and do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Sweeney: *nods head* NO!!! THAT WAS AGAINTS MY WIIIIILLLLL!!!!

*priest goes on like no one said anything*

Priest: you may kiss your bride *whisper* God save you

Lovett: *leans in*

Sweeney: *grimace* face. Moving. Forward. Against. Will! HHHEEELLLPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!

*Kiss*

Sweeney: Ewwww Lovett cooties!!!

Lovett: *smile*

*back to picnic*

Lovett: Down by the sea! Married nice and proper!

Sweeney: Ahhhhhhhh! Hand. Moving. Against. Will!

*puts hand on Lovett's lap*

Lovett: *smile* By the sea! Bring along your chopper!

Sweeney: Oh, I will!Lovett: By the sea side, oh-oh! By the beautiful sea!

Sweeney: Wellll that was weird….

Lovett: I'm magic!

**Kay, thanks for reading!!! There are these really funny Sweeney Todd videos, and you guys really need to watch them! They were my inspiration!!! It's by thetapesqueen and I do not own any of her hilarious work so don't sue me please!!! It's called:**

**Sweeney Todd -Parody Dub**

**Theres like a part 1 part 2 so on, the Microsoft word won't let me do the link, so sorry! **


	13. Chapter 13

**Ello loves, I have some sad news… this is the second to last chapter!!! ****L**

**Well, anyways, since I can't try out for ST, I'm trying out for 'West Side Story' I want to be a Shark, but I don't want a big part, if that makes any sense… ok ENJOY! **

Toby: *walking up stairs* Hey!!! Mr. Todd! I wanna see Bobby and Sally!!!Sweeney: No!!! *kills costumer*

Toby: But… but… there the only contact I have with other children! *sob*

Sweeney: Um… well… that's… odd…

Toby: What's odd?Sweeney: I thought Mrs. Lovett invited a boy over!

Toby: Oh, you mean Nate, he had a beard, so I sent him up to you! *smile*

Sweeney: Aw crap…

Toby: I feel I am not in on some sort of secret… 

Sweeney: No, no, no , no… of cooouuuurrrrrsssseeee not! *fake smile*

What would we have to hide? 

Toby: Maybe you slit the throats of you're customers, and then my babe down their, bakes 'em into pies! But, you're to dumb to think up a plan like that!

Sweeney: *twitch* 

Toby: *gasp* I know!!! I have fitted the pieces together! You are illegally selling Unicorns to America so they can magically take over the world!!!Sweeney: uh… ok?

Toby: I've got to tell hot stuff!!! 

*dashes downstairs*

Toby: BLAHHHHHHRRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!

Lovett: Wtf…

Toby: *breath* illegal unicorn trade *breath* world domination!!!

Lovett: Calm yourself kid! 

Toby: Sorry, I have issues…

Lovett: No shit Sherlock!

Toby: While, it's either the unicorn theory, or everyone in London is a 

Cannibal…

Lovett: Well… *nervous sweat* that's… interesting…

Toby: But who's insane enough to do that!

Lovett: Sha!

Toby: *bursts into tears* Were are you hiding the unicorns!!! *sob*

Lovett: Ummm… Nothings gunna harm you… not while I'm around?

Toby: Aw! That's so sweet, I forget what we were first talking about!

Lovett: Good!

Toby: What?

Lovett: Exactly!

Toby: Continue

Lovett: Demons will charm you with a smile…

Toby: Mommy, I'm scared! *tear*

Lovett: Whats wrong with kids these days? You told me to continue!!!

*mumble* so demanding…

Toby: Better! Continue!

Lovett: UG! This should shut you up! *shoves face in boobs and continues

Singing* For a while! But in time, nothing can harm you, not while I'm

around! 

Toby: *muffled* Me likey!

*scene changes*

Anthony: Johanna! Were are you? You didn't talk insanely to your birds this

morning! 

Johanna: *muffled* You idiot! I'm fricking being hauled away to an insane

asylum RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! 

Anthony: Riiiggghhhttt… *strikes heroic pose* I'm ready! *to Turpin* IF 

YOU DON'T TELL ME WERE YOUR TAKING HER I SWEAR I'LL-

Turpin: *Harry Potter music plays* YOU'LL KILL ME BOY-

Anthony: You *points* interrupted ME! 

*Turpin and Anthony argue*

Johanna: Hello? I'm being carted away! HEY!!! YOU, YAH THAT'S 

RIGHT! WOMANLY MAN!

Anthony: Me?

Johanna: YAH YOU! YOUR 'SPOSE TO SAVE ME!!!!!

Anthony: WHAT IF I DON'T WANNA!

Johanna: YOU'RE MY STALKER, YOU _HAVE _TO!!!

Anthony: Riiiigghhhtttt….

Johanna: STOP QUOTING YOURSELF AND SAVE ME!!!

*scenes magically meet!*

Anthony: Mr. Todd!!! They have taken Johanna to an insane asylum, THE

STRESS!!!! IT'S KEELING MEEEE!

Sweeney: Calm yourself! I know how to handle myself in these situations!

Because I totally do this ALL the time! What you do, is dress up as a

Wigmaker's apprentice! *smiles hugely*

Anthony: What is that supposed to mean?

Sweeney: You act like this, HI!!! I like hair! The only reason my hair is long

and womanly is because I steel hair from dead people!!!

Anthony: Ooohhh!!! _I_ get it!

Sweeney: Yah! Go away.

Anthony: Fine! Be that way!!!

*at insane asylum*

Fogg: Sooo, we gots redheads, brunets, blondies, pink, green, blue, you

know, the usual

Anthony: I need a blondie

Fogg: *strange look* Alritey than! *unlocks cell*

Anthony: *looks for Johanna* Nope, nope, nope, nope, *see's Johanna*

nope, nope

Johanna: Anthony! You stalk me and you don't even know what I look like?

Anthony: I just forget things… a lot…

Johanna: Aw well *shrugs*

Anthony: YAY!

Johanna: *jumps into Anthony's arms*

Anthony: *pulls out shotgun* Say hello to my little friend!

Johanna: Just let me do it! *shoots Fogg*

Fogg: Dead

**By by, FOR NOW!!! *cackles insanely* Theres a sweet clearance on **

**Sweeney Todd shirts at Hot Topic, I got one that was AWESOME, it has **

**Like, a tunnel with Sweeney, and it's just sweet! I bought all the smalls!**

**HA Holymaster7! HA HA HA!!! **


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey guys, this is the LAST CHAPTER!!! *uncontrollable sobbing ensues* but, I have this ALL planned out, next, I shall write a tragic love story between Toby and Johanna, then I will create another humor story were our beloved Sweeney Todd characters are sent to the modern day world, **_**but **_**there is also an interesting plot twist that I won't reveal here… dun dun duuum!!! Anyways, ENJOY!!!**

*Turpins house*

Turpin: Well, since my fiancé has magically disappeared from the asylum, and I can not make anything of the handgun found there with 'My name is Anthony Hope, if you find this, return to 186 Fleet Street were I will probably be having an awesome sleep-over with my bestest friend ever Sweeney Todd. I also stalk people named Johanna!' scratched into it… I WILL HAVE A SHAVE! *smile creepily*

Beadle: Ummm alrighty then… I should probably stay here *does weird nose thing*

Turpin: I told you to get some mucenx for that nose! But you never listen to ME! It's always Martha Stewart this, Martha Stewart that, you will NEVER meet her!

Beadle: I can dream!

Turpin: *huff*

*Turpin magically goes to Sweeney's place*

Turpin: Hey, I wants a shave!

Sweeney: Sweet! Now I can keel you!!!

Turpin: What?

Sweeney: I mean… now I can… ah crap! Just sit down!Turpin: Oakalie dokalie!!!

Sweeney: Wow your stupid…

Turpin: No shit Sherlock!

Sweeney: Why does everyone keep saying that!!! It makes no sense!!!

Turpin: It makes tons of sense! Your just not cool enough to get it!!! *gloat*

Sweeney: By the way, I'm actually Benjamin Barker, you know that guy?

Turpin: Ohhh, that guy… wait… oh crap…

Sweeney: That's right, oh crap!

*staby stab stab stab*

Turpin: blah

*sends down shoot*

Sweeney: SWEET!!! THE PERVIEST JACOB FAN OF ALL HAS BEEN ELIMANATED!!!!!!!!!

Turpin: *from up shoot* I'M STILL ALIVE YOU KNOW!!! *gargle* AH, WAIT, NEVERMIND, I'M DEAD!

*downstairs…*

Lovett: *singing* Do do do dum!!! I like chopping up dead people, and putting them into pie! *Turpin falls down shoot*

Lovett: Eeeeewww… he's partially alive… *see's dead beggar woman that your dear author conveniently left out **sorry!***

Lovett: Crapsicles! It's LUCY! Yah, that's right, I've known this since the begging, don't judge me! I have awesome hair!!!

Lucy: Ded

Lovett: That's right, stay that way! *kicks body*

Lucy: Ow!

Lovett: What did I say!

Lucy: Right, ded

Sweeney: *running downstairs* I heard you yell my obviously dead old wives name!

Lovett: Oh, I was just thinking about how dead she is… and far away from here…

Sweeney: Hey! It's Lucy!

Lovett: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sweeney: You mean, you thought I wouldn't recognize her when she was dead…

Lovett: Well… yah… *nervous laugh*

Sweeney: BLAH!

Lovett: Wtf?

Sweeney: She's Lucy how could I forget?

Lovett: Well, you seemed to forget while you killed her…

Sweeney: Yah, your totally right, but I choose to ignore you! *smile* Lovett: great…

Sweeney: Open the oven!Lovett: Why?

Sweeney: I don't know!

Lovett: ok…

*opens door*

Sweeney: You know, I think your really hot. You wanna get married and move to the English channel?

Lovett: Hell yes!

*waltz around for a few minutes*

Sweeney: Weeee!Lovett: I've dreamed of this day, for about a week!Sweeney: That's… great? *nervous smile*

Lovett: I'm Nellie To-odd! SWEET!Sweeney: *throws in fire and shuts door*

Lovett: *muffled* But… but… I wanna marry you!!! *singing* By the sea!!! Married nice and proper! BY THE SEA!!!!!!!!!! YOU REALLY HOT LIAR!

Sweeney: Flattery will not distract Mrs. Turnblads agent!

Lovett: Since when have you quoted Hairspray?

Sweeney: Since I saw it last week on HBO family

Lovett: Oh, yah I saw that to, wait… what's HBO?

Sweeney: I dunno….

Lovett: weird…

Toby: *pops up out of nowhere* HA!!! YOU ARE PREFORMING ILLIGAL UNICORN TRADE!!!

Sweeney: What the-

Lovett: It's his conspiracy theory

Toby: Hotstuff! What are you doing in an oven?

Lovett: It's to complex for your 11 year old brain to handle

Toby: Hey! I may not be smart but I aint dumb!

Sweeney and Lovett: Not to worry not to worry mum!

Lovett: oh crap!Sweeney and Toby: What?

Lovett: I just realized I'm sitting in an oven… ded

Sweeney: aw well!

Toby: *kills Sweeney*

Sweeney: blah, ded

Toby: *shrugs shoulders, walks away*

Sweeney and Lovett: And that's why kids shouldn't do drugs! *commercial smile*

*camera fade out*

**Thanks for the reviews everyone! I really had fun writing this! **

**Heres a list of NICE people who reviewed:**

Holymaster7

NelliethePieAngel

Nala162024

DarkestDreamerRubyRed

Amy

Jokerluver12089

DeathRose

IdiotwhoCantthinkofapenname

Sweenett95

Koolkay

SparklesRockMyWorld

StewyTodd

a-smudge-in-wonderland

Teamedward4lifedude

Luminaires

Everto Tonsor

Teddy scares

MrsEdgarAllenPoe

ConfusedColumbia26220

UPDATE BEGGER

Pandora Spocks

Chromaggia

love-helena

Snowseal135

Gothica Freakshow


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